This
is a heartbreaking story of a young lady who in desperate need to have a
white wedding had an abortion, but the sad thing is, after eight years
of her marriage, she is still childless.
Illustrative photo
“I found out I was pregnant when it was four months away from
our wedding day. The discovery was devastating. Abortion became the only
option for me.
"The wedding invitation cards had been printed and dispatched. The hall had been rented and paid for.
"I and my fiancé had been planning our wedding and attending
pre-marital counselling in church. Part of the requirement for the
eligibility for a church wedding included a negative pregnancy test
which would have been carried out at about a week from the wedding date.
"I decided to abort the pregnancy. It was devastating but I had
to do it, partly because I am the only daughter of my parents and they
had always dreamt of organizing a massive white wedding for me. I
couldn’t bear to disappoint her and a host of other aunties who had
already invested in our ‘Aso-ebi’.
"It was the hardest decision of my life and it tears me apart
every day. I thought I would get pregnant again immediately after the
wedding, but it is eight years after I walked down the aisle and I am
still trying to conceive. I am now a shadow of former boisterous self. I
have been living with deep regret and shame over my past action. I wish
God could find a place in his heart to forgive me."
The story of Stella (not real name) represents a percentage of
women who are struggling with their emotions after an abortion. Many
women and men alike experience complex emotions, whether the decision
for abortion was for the right medical reasons or for other reasons.
Abortion and infertility
Having an abortion won’t usually affect your chances of becoming
pregnant and having normal pregnancies in the future. There is however a
risk to your fertility and future pregnancies if you develop a womb
infection that isn’t treated promptly. In rare cases, multiple dilations
and curettages (the cleaning out of the uterus, also known as D& C)
can cause scarring at the top of the cervix or uterus.
Other causes leading to infertility after an abortion has been
attributed to the perforation of the uterus, incompetent cervix, pelvic
inflammatory disease (PID) which can increase the risk of ectopic
pregnancy, where an egg implants itself outside of the womb. A procedure
called hysteroscopy can be used to investigate and correct this
problems.
History of the white wedding gown
A church wedding is not compulsory! In a recent expose by renowned
Family Life coach, Praise Fowowe he reveals that the white wedding gown
doesn’t signify purity. “It was a concept that became popular in 1840,
when Victoria wore a white gown to incorporate some lace she prized. The
picture went viral and many opted for it afterwards”. The veiling of
the bride originated from the idea that she must be hidden from evil
spirits lest she becomes vulnerable to enchantments. “So the wedding
veil was to scare of spirits”.
The wedding reception originally held at the bride’s home for the
couple to receive their community and the family’s financial standing
often dictated the style and magnitude of the reception.
Unresolved grief
While a previous abortion may affect your chances of getting
pregnant or sustaining one, it is more important to rid yourself of
guilt. Many of the complex emotions women are left to cope with after
abortion and delayed conception, begins as soon as a woman learns or
suspect she is pregnant. Confusion, fear, guilt, shame, isolation,
anxiety usually sets in the case of an unplanned pregnancy.
Loss
Grieving is a natural human process and it is important that we
allow ourselves and others to feel grief after a loss just like any
experience of loss, the emotions after an abortion will differ from
person to person. You can deal with the loss in a much more positive and
useful way by representing it in a meaningful way. Grief and loss are
emotions, just like anger and fear are emotions. We can feel grief and
loss after losing a loved one, a relationship break-up, or a job.
Guilt
Some women experience Post Abortion Stress syndrome (PASS). Those
affected can find themselves experiencing a common set of physical or
emotional issues after experiencing momentary relief. Abortion is also
often accompanied by complex feelings of guilt if they feel it has
compromised their spiritual, ethical or political beliefs. In this
cases, guilt can be resolved by forgiving oneself and seeking
forgiveness from God or a spiritual higher power. You may need to talk
to someone about it to help you move through the process.
Shame
Many are afraid of sharing their physical and emotional experiences
due to the fear and shame of political and religious backlash. Shame
is a more prevalent emotion that can be felt depending on one’s
religion. “Shame is something we feel based on our perception that
others think we could or should have done differently”.
Isolation
The fear of judgment and feeling alone can cause many women who are
dealing with guilt, loss and even infertility after an abortion to
remain quiet. It is a disenfranchised grief and loss that the society
does not validate. People do not also feel the need to grief the loss
because it was their choice or because of the stigma associated with the
act.
Please know that it’s part of your story and you have every right
to experience every emotion that comes with it. While this is not a way
of validating your action, it is seeking a greater release that helps
you move on to be all that you were destined to be in life. The emotions
of guilt and shame is crippling. Consider opening up to a professional
counselor or therapist, while also seeking a support system.
About the Author:
Ify is a life, emotions and behavioural change coach who is
passionate about helping couples and families navigate their path to
wellness, fertility and parenthood. Send your enquiries to
fertilelifestyle@gmail.com
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