Before
mobile phones and other sophisticated creations of technology came,
villagers went about their lives quietly and invented ways to get
intimate with each other.
File photo used only for illustrative purpose: Village romance
If there is one thing our village is extremely good at, then it’s
being innovative. Mobile phones were a pipe dream back then, youths of
opposite s*x used very creative ways to access their objects of desire,
especially when they needed to meet at night for activities that the
Bible frowns upon.
Before girls retire for the night, they would tie a long sisal rope
on their ankles that would extend all the way out through holes made by
stray mongrels marking their territory using urine on the mud walled
houses.
At night, when fathers were dead asleep, the girl’s lovers would
creep into the homestead and tug on the rope. And just like that,
parents woke up a month later and found their daughter throwing up like
madness.
Like mobile phones, these ‘improvised village calls’ came with
challenges. Sometimes the men got ‘missed calls’, that is they would tug
on the ropes, but the girl would be dead asleep and never felt a thing.
Sometimes, they dialled a ‘wrong number’.
Some would tug on the rope and out came the elder sister who was
probably going for a pee. Sometimes, the boys ‘misdialled’. They pulled
on the rope only for to hear a goat bleating!
Once in a while the girls used to get ‘spam calls’, which is when
the village night runner pulled the ropes violently and bolted off,
laughing his ass off like a lunatic.
The worst of it all was getting ‘blueticked’. That was after
tugging the rope it got hastily pulled inside and no one came out! This
was due to various reasons.
Maybe the lady heard her parents’ bed creaking and knew they were still awake and got scared of getting caught tiptoeing out.
Or maybe she could be mad at the guy for imagining she was him
taking a phone number (gesturing in ways that could suggest she was
directing him to which part of the house she slept) from another lady.
Basically, every man yearned for a successful ‘call’.
I recall the girls at one pastor’s homestead were really famous for
calls during the holiday season. They actually turned their father’s
homes into a customer care call centre. Their phone booth was always
ringing and they ever accepted the numerous incoming ‘calls’.
People were always visiting to make some midnight deposits. However, during the day they transformed into wingless angels.
Their father, blinded by the love he had for them, he normally praised and defended the girls more than he did Jesus.
To him those were the purest of souls, and if ever came a day when
the world needed to sacrifice the untouched, to save ourselves from
calamity, this man would gladly volunteer his daughters.
So the events at the pastor’s house went on for weeks until one
particular day when he woke up in the middle of the night to answer a
call of nature and decided to take a walk around his worn out house, for
either security purposes or instructions from the witchdoctor.
As he passed the back of the house he noticed several long ropes lying on the ground.
Curious on what’s on the other end, he picked one rope and he
pulled it. The lady inside assumed her date was messing with her and
decided to let him have his fun.
The pulling grew intense but since she couldn’t shout for fear of
being heard, the lady bit her tongue and slightly resisted the force.
This made the pastor even more motivated and he dug his heels and
put all his strength on it. Suddenly there were screams and a painfully
distressed foot popped out of the wall.
Shocked beyond words, the good old pastor was blessed with the
agility of an antelope and was found almost a kilometer away on his
knees, praying.
Amidst all the confusion, the ladies managed to safely tuck their
‘phones’ away. To date their father believes the foot of “Moses” spoke
to him.
I guess it was a win-win on both sides as the ladies never got
caught and the pastor’s congregation has doubled, as all people in the
village flooded the church to hear about the good words the foot
conveyed.
As for the ladies, they got pregnant and gave birth to kids while
still living under his roof. You don’t want to know how the pastor
explained it to those who were looking up to him and his daughters.
******
Culled from SDE
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